Accidents & Inspiration
by irms
…will lead you to your destination. — Mary Chapin Carpenter, The Long Way Home
I went to school on an academic scholarship, and I wish I could say that I got to do that on account of my incredible foresight, determination, and hard work. But that’s not at all what happened. Here’s how it went down:
When I was fairly young (7), I realized it felt really good to do well on my homework. When you’re seven, you don’t really think of things in terms of hard and not-hard. You think of things in terms of in-trouble versus not-in-trouble. I didn’t think about being smarter than everyone else, I just saw an easy way to not agitate the adults at home or at school, and that seemed just fine to me.
Compliments about being smart were nice, but really, I was just happy to be left alone. Being nerdy with schoolwork almost directly meant I couldn’t really be chummy with other people my age, so I figured I better get good at sports too. I wasn’t funny enough, or charming enough, or pretty enough to be recognized for those qualities, so sports it would be. Besides that, my dad seemed to appreciate all the “hard work” I was putting in and that made me feel pretty good too.
Doing well in work and play became a habit. Only during lectures by college spokespeople in high school did I ever think (or say) that I was working toward a long-term goal. My goal was to do good that day and not get in trouble the next. Those were my aspirations.
Once “getting A’s” became habitual, and being athletic was pretty well cemented, then the rest was just for show. Nothing required honest-to-god hard work, it just looked, from the outside, as though it did. What really mattered, was time. Everything required time. So I did as many things as would fit in a day since wearing out oneself isn’t a factor when you’re 16 years old.
At one point, I was taking 8 classes in a school that was structured for a maximum of 7, playing two sports concurrently and performing with two bands. I also worked and volunteered outside of school. Again, I never thought about things in terms of hard work — only time. Operating at full-tilt was my mode by default at this point, not effort. Habit, really. Certainly not out of drive.
I distinctly remember a teacher telling me I was his single source of inspiration in a very difficult (his first) year of teaching. I remember feeling flattered, but wondering what I was doing that was so damn hard. I knew I was being given too much credit. Getting in the Who’s Who of American High School Students book didn’t feel like the achievement it was supposed to be.
So I got good grades because they were easier than bad grades on the stay-out-of-my-hair-I’ll-stay-out-of-yours scale, and I was good at sports because they were fun and I liked the praise.
During our junior year, they ushered the entire class into the cafeteria to take the PSATs (Preliminary SATs). I scored very well on the test because it didn’t make sense to blow off a test that got me out of class all day. I did not seek this test out. My high school just told us to take it. I didn’t have a choice. (Apparently, most high schools advertise the dates and students sign up to sit the test.)
Months later, my school received a letter that said I should demonstrate my extra-curricular awesomeness, send in my transcripts and submit letters of recommendation to be considered for the National Merit Finalist Award. The councilor of the school, at the time, Mr. Cantu, did all this without my knowledge. Weeks after that, I was on the golden list. Thank you, Mr. Cantu.
Letters from colleges came by the dozens. My dad threatened to charge me rent on the post office box. Scholarship offers for sports, academia, and merit rolled in. Some large, some small. I chose the largest and moved to Ohio.
I lived there for 6 years and stumbled away with an engineering degree in 2004. (College stories are for another post, stay with me here.)
Engineering, specifically Computer Science & Engineering, was the third most difficult degree to complete at my school at that time. Law was first, followed by Pharmacy, and the school I went to was notorious for three of the most rigorous programs in those areas. So why did I choose it? Well first, when I chose it, I didn’t know those facts. Second, my brother laughed at me when I told him because he knew I didn’t know the first thing about computers and that made me just mad enough to do it out of spite. And third, I didn’t have anything else in mind, so this seemed good enough.
So what am I saying here? That I’m not smart? Or hard-working? Or ambitious? No. I think I’m all those things. Or, at least, now I am. But the lesson here is how I came to be those things.
Now I recognize my qualities and I can better myself because of them. But I wasn’t born reaching for the stars. It wasn’t until I realized I was on my way there anyway that I decided they were a destination.
If you’re still reading this, you should know that this is somewhat embarrassing to write. I’ve pretty much just admitted to God and everyone that my motives were never pure, my drive was misguided, and my intentions were shortsighted. I am not, nor was I ever, the level-headed kid with big goals and small pockets. I was not out to best by financial situation by getting a giant scholarship and then blowing the lid off expectations by majoring in something hard. Given the circumstances, I was just doing what seemed easiest at that time, and that’s embarrassing to say out loud.
But I think the lesson is too great to be eclipsed by my shame. It’s important to realize that the driving factors here were external. All along the way. I wanted people to think good things about me, I didn’t necessarily want to be that good.
Now that I’m older, in control, and very very wise, I’m always judging the people around me. Students and friends alike, wondering why they have no ambition. Why don’t they want to work harder and learn new things?
Which is why I had to write this.
My judgement is wrong. It’s a mistake. Afterall, it’s none of my doing that I have those traits now. Children and students, especially, should benefit from this revelation.
I think we should take a good long look at our best qualities and figure out how they got there. That way, when we are teaching the next generation, whether by example or in front of a classroom, we can faithfully make them better people…by fastening on to their best qualities and giving them no other choice.
Great reading! Left me wondering what next or should I just quit school (now that you scared the be-jesus out of me). My single inspiration is to become a lawyer just because the time will come where I will have to be self sufficient and of course there won’t be any Medicare to speak of when I retire. So should I continue to go to law school, become a corporate lawyer and hope for the best. There are days now where I would much rather be watering my lawn than reading some of the stuff I am suppose to read. Give me a Nora Roberts book any day.
I am not sure you know, but when your grandpa was very ill I made a promise to him to be better than what I was then. I am not even close to being there but some day (preferably before I die) I can achieve his biggest wish for me. Can I do it maybe, but unlike you, and I am sure you have noticed, I struggle even to say a complete sentence out loud (yes you and Sandi love this:). You had to tutor me on my algerbra for goodness sake, but who knows in 15 years from now I will be finished you never know.
So with that being said, I never thought you had to work hard, I figured you just had a gift, I figured you were just a genious. Some of us struggle to achieve the smallest of things and struggle to get it started, whereas with you, you decided to stay out of trouble and get your degree, not that hard (or so it seemed).
Each of us have a path in life that we each have to take and whether we want what is at the end of our path is irrelevant our paths have been defined without us even knowing. So to you I take my hat off to you for knowing now what you didn’t know then, and for myself well I will just take it a day at a time.
Mija love your blog, it so gives me a chance to express myself. Live Journal is almost as good. I Love you., Nora-li
Gosh I really liked Mr. Cantu. Fun times in high school.
Never once did dad want to charge me rent for the PO box…… hhmmmmmm……
“I think we should take a good long look at our best qualities and figure out how they got there. That way, when we are teaching the next generation, whether by example or in front of a classroom, we can faithfully make them better people…by fastening on to their best qualities and giving them no other choice.”
This last part is what really hit it home… oddly enough, I feel the same way and had similar circumstances as yours growing up (which I’m still trying to do, reluctantly). I actually fell into computers and graphics, not just because I like it, but because it was all I had and was incredibly easy for me (and people always left the nerds/artists alone when they weren’t out looking for trouble, in my part of town). I left for college across the nation because they were the first to respond, the only ones who replied back after talking, and then because it was the furthest away from the parental units I could get without leaving the states.
I constantly talk to people about changing the world and trying to leave it better for the generations that follow and everyone I talk to about it gives me the same response, “Good Luck.” But I think you are on to something, this lesson of yours. In the words of Spy-vs.-spy…
*yoink* 🙂
(means I’m borrowing just in case you didn’t get that reference. :P)
I always look forward to reading your blog. 🙂
Mr. Brain G., you have made my day.
I honestly believe you got the message I was trying to write, and because of you, I will probably write another.
Thanks so much!
Ernest Hemingway~ Theres absolutely nothing noble in becoming superior to your fellow men. Accurate the aristocracy is being superior to your former self.